Fears

Fear is a part of life. We all have fears — little fears (like those supersonic house-dwelling centipedes) and big fears (something happening to children). Fears can be categorized, too, by type. For the sake of this post, I’m writing about relationship fears, romantic relationships, that is. Relationship fears probably fall into the middle ground. They certainly don’t qualify as little fears but they’re not going to destroy you so they’re not big fears. That’s my perception. Others may disagree. Since I haven’t been destroyed by a relationship yet, I figure I won’t be. Is that a good thing?

I’ve been thinking this morning, trying to figure out what I’m most afraid of in a relationship or more specifically in forming a relationship that is to be lifelong. I keep turning thoughts over in my head. In no particular order, I’ve decided on a few things:

  1. I’m afraid of making the same mistakes. I’m afraid of deluding myself about the nature of love and ending up disappointed, restless, discontent–like before. I’m afraid I don’t know my own mind.
  2. I’m afraid of being on the wanting side. I am, quite frankly, terrified of being the one who pursues, who waits, who wants, who concedes for the sake of maintaining the status quo. Therein lies the loss of self. Conversely, I’m afraid of not wanting. What good is love if you don’t want? If your heart doesn’t grow weary with absence, if you don’t want, are you in love? Can there ever be a balance?
  3. I’m afraid of being a disappointment. “Oh. This is the real you? Um, geez…I expected something more (better, neater, thinner, smarter…).
  4. I’m afraid I can’t let it all go; I’m afraid of my own defenses. I’m afraid I … can’t.

That’s about it for now. No doubt there is more to it or at least more articulate ways of expressing my thoughts. I wanted to try to nail it down today, though. And so I have.

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